We think this stuff is all 'above par' and some of it may be funny enough to give you a 'stroke'! If you love golf, or know a golfer you need a gift for or want to tell a joke to, this page is definitely a hole in one!
I was playing with this 85-year-old man recently on a course that I was unfamiliar with. On the third hole, I asked him what's the best part of the fairway to be on, and he replied, "the top."
A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, "Did you have a good time out there?" The man replied "Fabulous, thank you." "You're welcome," said the pro. "How did you find the greens?" Said the man: "Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were!"
Last words of a golfer standing in the woods? "I can see a gap."
Four retired men play golf together once a week for many years. One day on 16th hole that runs along side the highway, a funeral procession drives by. One man says to the others, "Stop and remove your hats, show some respect." Afterward, one of the other men asked him what got into him. "I have never seen you show anybody any respect." The first man replied: "I was married to her for 65 years."
"Bad day at the course," a guy tells his wife. "Charlie had a heart attack on the third hole." "That's terrible!" she says. "You're telling me," the husband replies. "All day long, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie. Hit the ball, drag Charlie. Hit the ball, drag Charlie."
Guy gets to a long par 3 over water. A voice from above says, "Hit the new Titleist Pro V." The guy tees up the Titleist and takes a practice swing. The voice comes back, "Never mind, hit a range ball."
A U.S. citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round of golf and is paired with three local gents. He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a Mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway about 280 yards out. With a big smile, he asks the others "In the U.S., we call that a Mulligan; was wondering what you called it here in Ireland." After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, "Hitting three."
A golfer walks off the 18th green, hands his putter to his caddie and says, "Kid, you've got to be the worst caddie in the world." The caddie replies, "Sir, that would be too much of a coincidence."
A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box." The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box." The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot, approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: "We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies' tee box!" To which the man turns around and yells: "And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!"
A married couple played golf together everyday. One day the man and his wife were on the first tee of their local course. He was on the white tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies tee.
He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly. She fell face down on the tee, didn't know what hit her. They had an inquest on the wife's death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head. The husband said, "Yes, that was my ball." The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a ball inserted up the woman's backside, and could the husband throw some light on this? The husband said, "Oh that must have been my provisional. I wondered where it went."
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?" The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today." The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five." The third old guy said, "I had seven riders, the same as last time." The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today." After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?" The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it."
A Baptist pastor decides to play hooky on a Sunday to play golf. He's playing the best golf of his life when an angel asks God, "Are you going to let this slide? Do something!" So God says, "Watch this." The pastor hits a 425-yard tee shot and the ball goes in the hole for a double eagle. The angel asks, "Why did you reward him?" God says, "Who is he gonna tell?"
Three unmarried men were waiting to tee off when the starter walked up to them and said, "You see that beautiful blonde practicing her putting?" "Her? Wow, she is beautiful," they all said. "She's a good golfer," he continued, "and would like to hook up with a group. None of the other groups will play with a woman. Can she play with you? She won't hold you up, I promise." They looked at each other and said, "Sure! She can join us." Just as the starter said, the woman played well and kept up. Plus, they kept noticing, she was very attractive. When they reached the 18th hole, she said that if she sank her 18-footer, she'd break 80 for the first time. "Guys, I'm so excited about breaking 80 that I have to tell you something. I had a great time playing with you. I can tell you all really love golf. I want you to know that I'm single and want to marry a man who loves golf as much as I do. If one of you guys can read this putt correctly and I make it, I'll marry whichever of you was right!" All three jumped at the opportunity. The first one looked over the putt and said, "I see it breaking 10 inches left to right." The second looked it over from all sides and said, "No, I see it breaking eight inches right to left." The third man looked at the woman, looked at the ball, and said, "Pick it up. It's good!"
A golfer standing on a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, "Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain."
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, "Of course." To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn't hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the ninth fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. "Of course," says the old man, "when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."
A man and his wife are playing the fifth hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway." He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her. A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway." He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, "No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!"
O'Keefe regularly plays golf on Sunday mornings with three Orthodox Jews. Every Sunday, they break par while he shoots 90. At the end of the season, he asks for their secret. It's their religion, they tell him. They go to synagogue, study, pray, celebrate the festivals and Sabbath, then play golf on Sundays and have great rounds. Desperate to play well, over the winter O'Keefe converts, joins a synagogue, prays, celebrates the festivals and Sabbath, and looks forward to spring. Come spring, he meets his friends and they tee it up. Again, they break par and he shoots 90. Frustrated, he explains that he converted, prayed, worshipped, and studied, but his golf didn't get any better. One Orthodox Jew asks, "Which synagogue did you join?" "Beth Shalom," O'Keefe replies. "Fool," comes the reply. "That's the synagogue for tennis."
An avid golfer found himself in Africa with time to play. He asked at his hotel for the nearest golf course, was put in a cab, and spent two hours being driven deeper and deeper into the jungle until he arrived at a course. He checked in with the pro and asked to rent some equipment and, since he'd never played the course before, for a caddie. In a few minutes, he was escorted to the first tee, where his caddie was waiting with a bagful of clubs under one arm and a rifle under the other. The golfer was taken aback, but composed himself and hit a good drive down the fairway of the opening hole, a tough par four. As they were walking to his ball, a tiger sprang out of the rough and charged the golfer. Without missing a beat, the caddie dropped the bag, aimed his rifle, and shot the animal dead. Again, the golfer had to compose himself, taking a minute to catch his breath. But he quickly recovered, hit a good approach, and parred the hole. The same thing happened on the second hole, a long, twisting par five. But this time it was a lion that bolted out of the jungle, charged the golfer, and was dropped by a single shot from the caddie's rifle. By now the golfer was visibly shaken, but the caddie looked unflappabl -- and obviously was a good shot -- so they played on. The third hole was an easy par three surrounded by water. The golfer hit a good short iron, which landed near the cup. As he was walking onto the green, a crocodile slid out of the water and began moving toward him. Unfazed, the golfer looked to his caddie for help. But the caddie stood motionless. The crocodile moved closer, and the golfer, beginning to get upset, again glanced at the caddie, who didn't move. Finally, with the crocodile just inches away, the golfer screamed, "Aren't you going to do something?" The caddie looked at the scorecard and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you don't get a shot on this hole."
A friend of Henry's dies suddenly. A week later, he comes back to tell his friend how great Heaven is. "Henry," he says, "you won't believe it, but there is golf in Heaven." "That is wonderful!" Henry replies. "Don't be so thrilled," his friend tells him. "You have a tee-off time scheduled for Saturday."
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the Prime Minister of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of the cardinals, "the Prime Minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never played golf. "Do we have a cardinal who plays who can represent me?" he asked. "None that play well," the cardinal replied. "But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is very devout. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play as your personal representative. Besides showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus came to the Vatican to report to the Pope. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," the golfer told the Pope. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus." "I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some great golf in my life, this was the best I've ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons accurate and purposeful, and my putting perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "And there's bad news?" asked the Pope. "Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods."
After slicing his tee shot into the woods, a golfer heads off in search of his ball, which he finds behind a large tree. After considering his positio -- and not wanting to take a drop and lose a stroke -- he decides to hook the ball around the tree. He swings, the ball hits the tree, ricochets back at him, and instantly kills him. When he opens his eyes, he sees the Pearly Gates and St. Peter standing before him. "Am I dead?" he asks. "Yes, my son," replies St. Peter, who looks the man over and notices his clubs. "I see you're a golfer," St. Peter says. "Are you any good?" "Hey, I got here in two, didn't I?"
There's a golf course where the parking lot is just to the right of the first fairway. Separating the fairway and lot is the access road to the pro shop. One day, a ball comes flying off the first tee, hits the rear window of one car and shatteres it, ricochets into the windshield of another car and cracks that, then bounces and hits a golfer in the head as he is unloading his clubs. He has to be taken to the hospital. After surveying the damage, the golf pro asks each golfer as he walks off the ninth green if anyone hit a slice of the first tee. After numerous negative replies, the pro finally finds his culprit. The golfer admits that, yes, indeed, he hit his first tee shot to the right, but it went out-of-bounds, he and the rest of his group didn't bother looking for it. The pro explains about the two car windows and the golfer in the hospital. By the time he finishes re-creating the scene, the entire foursome is visibly upset, and the golfer who hit the errant shot moans,""Oh, that's terrible. What can I do?" The pro says, "You should probably trying rolling your hands a little to the right to strengthen your grip."
While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig remarked to a fellow club member', I'm not going to play golf with Jim Lawler anymore. He cheats.' 'Why do you say that?' asked his friend. 'Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green', replied Padraig indignantly. 'That's entirely possible', commented his friend. 'Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket', retorted Padraig with finality.
Alex comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife, Amanda asks why he doesn't include John Gumby in the games anymore. Alex asks, 'Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears outrageously over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?' 'Of course I wouldn't,' states Amanda. 'Well,' mutters Alex, 'neither does John Gumby.'
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun? What's a golf gun?'
'I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.'
The Veterans Golf Association has negotiated with The Royal and Ancient Golf Club, based in St Andrews, Scotland to modify the Rules of Golf for Seniors
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough
with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making
it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Every time, Peter, the man next door headed toward Paul's house, Paul knew he was coming to borrow something, he was always doing so and it was driving him mad. 'Peter won't get away with it this time, 'muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, 'Watch this.' 'Er, I wonder if you' d be using your hedge trimmer this morning?' asked Paul the neighbour. 'Crikey, I'm terribly sorry, 'said Paul with a smug look, 'but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day.' 'In that case, 'smiled Peter, 'you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?'
A golfer has a 60 foot breaking putt and makes a bet stating that he has a dollar that says, 'I can make this putt.' Everyone takes him up on the bet. He duly misses the putt by 5 feet and says, 'You all owe me a dollar.' Of course, his golf mates all think he is crazy until he produces a dollar upon which he wrote, 'I can make this putt.'
Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?
Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.
Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.
Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.
Caddy: It's not a watch - it's a compass.
Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.
Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.
Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.
Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.
After being reassured that his 80-year-old caddie has perfect eyesight, the golfer hits his first tee shot deep in the right rough. "Did you see it?" the golfer asks as they walk off the tee. "Yep!" Old Eagle Eye replies with confidence. "Well, where is it?" "I can't remember."
On the phone with a golf buddy who has asked him to play, a guy says: "I am the master of my home and can play golf whenever I want. But hold on a minute while I find out if I want to."